The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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