She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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