Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Small penises have feelings too.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
