oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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