my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
