he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
