I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
