i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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