I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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