I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
