ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
