I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
