why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
