My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
