I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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