I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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