I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you inspire me to be a worse person
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
