i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
