When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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