I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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