Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
