Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize