Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
