we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
