well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
