My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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