I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
