ya dads aren't the best wingmen
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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