I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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