maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
