I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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