You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
