Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
