drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
