Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
