Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize