He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
