The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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