Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
