When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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