Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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