getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize