just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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