i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
