It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize