apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
