i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
