matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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