the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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