This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
