Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
