Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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