i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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