I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
