My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
