Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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