I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
