One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
